Ty Howard
*Below are actual queries (asked questions, in short letter format) sent into Dear MOTIVATION by professional and everyday people seeking motivation advice, and Ty Howard responded to them with his sound, practical, and positive advice.
Fall 2019 - Letter 1 of 3
I Help Everyone with a Smile, But There's Never Anyone to Help Me
Dear MOTIVATION: I am writing to you because I feel my family and so-called "friends" only contact me when they need something from me. Call me weird, but it's in my nature and heart to help everyone, and with a smile. In some strange way, I think this is a part of my purpose here on earth.
Early this year, I found myself in need of help and support from my family and friends, and no one answered or showed up to help me. When no one answered or showed up to help me, it put me in a sad and lonely place. I vowed to myself that I would not allow my family members or so-called "friends" to treat me like this anymore. Either they are there for and support me when I need help from them, just as I am for them, or I will no longer allow myself to help them out - with a smile - any longer; fair is fair.
Am I crazy or my family and so-called "friends," for expecting me to continue to allow them to use and abuse me and think I don't realize what they're doing in not helping me? -- HELP ME IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR HELP ME IN PENNSYLVANIA: What's been happening to you proves the truth of the adage that you are never too old to learn. Your family and friends' behavior was selfish and unsupportive, and they should be ashamed of themselves.
There are times when a person may not be able to help you; in this case, the person should immediately contact you back and honestly communicate this to you. Especially when you have helped them out after they've called on you in the past. When a person chooses not to respond at all or blows your calls for help off, it can become hurtful to you. One of the greatest fears in life is the feeling that you're alone or forgotten when you're in need of help or support.
Don't look now, but you're learning and growing, and no one is ever too old to learn. Do not hide your feelings or decision in a self-imposed "closet." Communicate your observation to each family member and friend, allow them to improve their behavior to regain your help and support. If they choose to continue their hurtful behavior, then stick with your decision and position going forward.
More importantly, do not lose yourself and your genuine, helpful heart by deciding to become spiteful and hurtful to others. Remain kind, keep smiling, and continue help those who appreciate you.
Fall 2019 - Letter 2 of 3
Unexpected Chain of Life Events Ended My Motivation for College
Dear MOTIVATION: I need your advice and help. An unexpected chain of life events hit me all at once in my second year of college. Now I am unmotivated and lost.
I am a first-generation college student who was filled with a lot of hope and promise when I left home to go out of state to college. In my second year of college, within two months, I loss my grandmother, one of my closest high school friends, and my financial aid. I stopped going to class and stayed in my dorm room with the lights off and blinds down. I eventually ended up back home in Maryland, locked in my old bedroom in the same state.
My mom and dad both get on me daily, insisting that I need to take myself back to college and finish what I started. I cannot do that right at this moment because I am unmotivated and lost at this point. Is the state that I am in going to change for the better? Do young people, like me, find their way through? -- UNMOTIVATED AND LOST IN MARYLAND
DEAR UNMOTIVATED AND LOST IN MARYLAND: I send you my deepest condolences for your loss. Life's chain of events will continue to happen as you go and grow through it. Some life events will be more severe and traumatizing than others. It's tough when a 'chain of life events' hit you all at once and knock both the wind and motivation out of your sail.
Your college experience is there for you to strengthen your mind, resilience, and ability to become independent and self-sufficient in life. I wrote an article for college students in 2012 titled, "Reigniting Your Motivation for College." This article provides a young, brilliant college student like you eight tips and two sound methods to help you find your motivation and your way, again, in college when you feel unmotivated and lost.
Follow through on these steps, sooner than later: 1) Get up and open the blinds in your room; let in the daylight. 2) Call back to your college campus and ask to speak with the Center for Student Services and ask to speak with a counselor or therapist in this area, if you haven't already. Or have your parents take you to a licensed therapist or a caring adult/leader/mentor in your community to talk to about your current situation. 3) Take out a few sheets of paper and a pen and write yourself a personal letter on how you truly felt after receiving the news in each instance in your 'chain of life-changing events.' On a separate sheet of paper, write yourself another letter expressing how you currently see yourself pressing forward and through to the goals and promising dreams you still hold for yourself. 4) Have an open and honest sit-down meeting and discussion with your parents on how you're feeling and how they can assist you in reconnecting to your motivation and finding your way through your current state and in life.
Think outside the box to help you figure out a path toward stability, self-motivation, and action-driven success. Also, hang onto your vision, hopes and dreams, resist the temptation to quit on life and stay down on yourself because -- you have what it takes to win in life and in college. Recapture your motivation, work hard, and soon you will reconnect to and once again unleash the winner in you.
Fall 2019 - Letter 3 of 3
Being a 'Tough Love Dad' Strains Father-Daughter Relationship
Dear MOTIVATION: I am a Dad who loves and wants the best for my daughter. She just turned 17 years old and has become unruly at times in her behavior, to include, demands for increased privacy and freedom to come and go as she pleases.
My daughter thus far has been a good child with goals, promise, and dreams. She consistently brings home good grades from school and does not smoke, drink alcohol, or use drugs. Now that she is an older teen, she wants to hang out with her friends on the weekends, start dating, and do her household chores and school work when she feels ready to do them. Along with all of the things I've mentioned, she has become a little mouthy at times and borderline disrespectful in her behavior, which is never acceptable and will always be firmly addressed by me.
My father did well raising my siblings and me through a 'Tough Love' parenting style. At times his firmness and discipline weren't fun or liked by his children, but it worked. I've elected to parent my daughter, only child, with a similar 'Tough Love' parenting style without the use of physical discipline. With my daughter, her chores must be done promptly, privacy and freedoms earned, we attend church on Sundays, and the maintaining of good grades and participation in school is a must. Also, dressing and speaking with self-respect is expected. The exploration of dating happens on my terms and respecting your parents, elders, and others is a permanent part of our value-system.
Am I being too strict? My daughter has a lot going for herself and deserves the best. Any suggestions? -- TOUGH LOVE DAD IN BALTIMORE, MARYLAND
DEAR TOUGH LOVE DAD: I do have one. You are acting like a parent who refuses to shrink in your responsibilities to your daughter. At the same time, older teenagers should be allowed the opportunity to grow and become independent in positive and healthy ways. You call it 'Tough Love,' while most teenagers would call it unbearable strict parenting.
I can see why your tightening on the reins of discipline was not well-received by your daughter. She's growing into a young adult woman, and you still see her as 'Daddy's Little Girl' with goals, promise, and dreams. As parents, we all want and expect the best for our children. Your daughter wants your trust, love, and support, and as a parent, you want her behavior to remain respectful and acceptable to receive what she wants from you without confrontation. See the tug of war here? As your daughter gets older, you have to loosen the reins more and more. Let her go and allow her to grow. Loosening the controls does not mean in any way you should ignore or tolerate disrespectful or unhealthy behavior from your daughter.
Here's how I'd handle it: The next time your daughter has an outburst and begins displaying reckless behavior, calmly bring her to the dining room table for a sit-down discussion on what's honestly going on with her emotionally. Listen carefully without interruption or anger. Allow your daughter to talk freely and respectfully. If she tells you honestly what's going on and the two of you can make adjustments for the betterment of your relationship — great. If she chooses to be stubborn or rude with you, you may have to bring in a third-party neutral, capable, and supportive adult to mediate. Allow some slack on your controlling behavior, add a few more adjustments to your 'Tough Love' parenting style.
About Dear MOTIVATION and Ty Howard: Dear MOTIVATION is an American advice column founded on MOTIVATIONmagazine.com in 2012 by Ty Howard, founder-CEO of MOTIVATION magazine. In Dear MOTIVATION, Ty shares his sound, positive, and practical perspectives as a nationally respected personal and professional development consultant, best-selling self-help author, relationship and family values expert, and executive, manager, success habits, and business development coach. Need Motivation Advice? Write to Dear MOTIVATION today.
For more information on Ty Howard, visit: Learn more
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